That’s what my friend kept saying, “he’s emotional like a girl”. I could smell the disdain for such behaviour dripping off his words. At a couple points during the conversation he skipped the four words and summed it up by describing the dude he was talking about as a “bitch” because he was crying about being under-appreciated. While I listened to him spill his guts about what’s been bothering him I latched onto his choice of words and began articulating my realization. Referring to a woman or a man as a “bitch” is not a word choice, rather it’s a state of mind. Even if someone chooses not to use the word he or she will still find a way to describe what was meant. Regardless of how oblivious people seem to think they are when using it, they know exactly what point they’re trying to convey. The term is either used to describe a man displaying “female” traits, or a female letting her emotions “get the best of her”.
“Males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait” - Jigga
This way of thinking assumes that females are inherently weak because they’re emotional. It also assumes that women are not just emotional, but emotional beyond control, common sense, and rational thinking. We have grown to “earn” this title because we have allowed our feelings to cloud our judgment and distort our decision making one too many times. Most importantly this is not the way we act, this is who we are. It’s a part of our DNA and cannot be easily unlearned. Not only are we open with our feelings, but we’re overly dramatic and always resort to exaggerating our feelings.
It’s a contradictory discourse because society is very good at letting women know which emotions they cannot display for fear of being more like a man. The most prevelant one being aggression. It’s a lose-lose situation for us. There are too many exceptions to the unspoken rule. Either way we’re fucked. If we’re too soft, we’re a weak bitch. If we’re too outspoken and pushy we’re a mean bitch. It’s sad because women have naturalized and internalized these ideas. These notions have become common place in our self-image and in our descriptions of others. What then constitutes a strong (not bitchy) female? Perhaps it’s one who can be soft and obedient, but knows how to lay down the law when needed. Who is making this call? Me? You? Someone else? It seems as if there’s a tight rope we walk everyday trying to be careful not to fall too far one way or another. I don’t think any of us ever get it “right” because there really isn’t a right or wrong way. All that’s left is the only way we know how.
As a little girl I didn’t know I was a bitch. I also didn’t know all the little girls around me were bitches too. I had no idea that my breasts and vagina marked me as something I couldn’t even identify with. What’s more is I had no idea that all the boys playing the same games I did would reap the benefits because they had a penis and testicles. I didn’t know I was supposed to surpress my emotions. I thought I was free to feel. I had no idea there was a price to pay. Somebody should have prepared me for this.
So here I am. I cry. I laugh. I kiss my teeth. I throw things. I cuss bad words. I give kisses and hugs, smiley faces and peace signs. I experience jealousy, betrayal, rage, and even envy. I wasn’t built to inherently feel any which way because I’m a woman. I feel a variety of ways because life comes at you hard and sometimes there isn’t any time to think about your reaction. Past experiences, present and future expectations, my environment and simply the way I choose to respond to situations determines my outward expression. Love me or leave me alone.
Maybe I can’t change the way anyone thinks, but I’m hoping I’ve made you aware of what one female thinks. I have ongoing issues with this frame of mind, but sometimes I keep my mouth shut because I’m exhausted from fighting. I also feel I’ll get my point across better if I choose my battles. I know what some of you may be thinking, “Crystal Clear hunny, you’re not a bitch. It’s those ‘other’ females over there that I’m talking about”. LMAO. I stopped believing that shit a long time ago, and don’t call me hunny.
That’s my word.
Peace.
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