I asked him why he loves me and he responded without a second thought, “I just do.” At the time his answer was too simple and it didn’t seem like enough for me.

In search of a more meaningful answer I replied, “ok, but why?” So to make me happy I suppose, he listed a couple of things that were enough to end the conversation. It’s not like I didn’t believe he did and needed him to justify his feelings, but his first response felt too easy. I mean we’re always being told that love is complicated and full of many layers right? So to say you just do is kind of an insult to the feeling right? It can’t be THAT easy. It’s LOVE we’re talking about! At the time I wanted specific reasons and examples. I wanted to know why I was the last person he wanted to be with till the day he dies. A flip chart complete with diagrams and maps would have sufficed. Besides, I never asked him that before so when it came to my mind I felt the need to. Although it’s kind of funny to me now because I don’t remember any of the things he listed. I’ve been trying really hard for the last two minutes, but I can’t think of one thing. All I can remember is “I just do.”

I wonder why I REALLY asked that. Maybe I felt like the longer the list was the more he loved me. Or perhaps the more unique his answer the deeper his love for me ran. None of those feelings occured afterward mind you. I made the mistake of measuring the length of the sentence rather than understanding the depth of its meaning. NOW I think that his first response is the best one ever and I really can’t ask for more.

“I just do”. For me it means that he doesn’t think twice about it. It means that the feeling is unconditional and there isn’t a list of criteria that he checks weekly to see if I’ve met it. It’s not something he has to tell himself to do, he just does it. At first I wanted more out of his answer but after thinking about it I realize that his answer already means so much more. He loved me from the first moment he saw me and never stopped ever since.

Think about it. When you’re at the alter and the priest asks you if “u do” you just say “I do”, you don’t proceed to explain why. At that moment “I do” is all you want and need to hear because the rest will follow.

So now, I’m truly happy with the “I just do” I received that day because his love IS just that simple and I…just do too.

Peace.

Everything & Anything

Take this for instance for instance, there’s this girl (LET’S CALL HER “A”) and there’s this guy (LET’S CALL HIM “B”), and then there’s this other guy (LET’S CALL HIM “C”). Make sure you get the assigned letters down as you may become confused shortly.

Now in the beginning B likes A. They’ve known each other for a little bit, but nothing ever happened…not even close. But after some time B began to like A as a potential datee (yes 2 e’s). B had many chances to advance with A but never took any of them despite the fact that he was beginning to like her. A never made any indications that she did though, however she didn’t make any blatant moves that said she didn’t either. Now C comes along purely on a friendly tip, but after a little time a slight bit of chemistry builds…nothing too spectacular but the lighter fluid has been filled. Eventually manhood and curiousity gets the best of C and he drops little hints that he’s down for whatever, while in the presence of B and (un)naturally B gets uncomfortable with C’s attempts (oops I forgot to say B and C are somewhat friends, not ride or die but respectful enough). Later down the road B says he’s no longer interested in A (even though she still hasn’t made her position known) so I suppose C thinks he’s in the clear to a certain degree. Later A and B go out on a friendly tip and B explains that he was uncomfortable with C’s implications. He figured I might as well be truthful so she doesn’t get the wrong message. At this point everything is still cool. No harm done.

…weeks go by…

A is still coming around (she’s madd cool) and B has found someone else (WE CAN CALL HER AA I GUESS) and C is still down for whatever but had left the situation alone. However with the season back in season the tides begin to change and A and C are feeling each other a little bit. During regular conversation A mentions to C that B had many opportunities to make a pass but never did, so that was his loss. In other words, he never even tried anything, but he should have. However, on the same note A admits that nothing would have happened anyway even if B did try.

So this is my question to all the XX’s and XY’s out there. Why do we want someone to try and get at us when we know in our minds they have no chance?

I’m guessing it has to do with the fact that the XY’s may be so used to the XX’s turning down numerous XY’s that B didn’t think there was any point in trying anything with her. Maybe the dude was tired of hearing “I have a boyfriend”, or “Sorry not interested” that he felt it was in his best interest to keep his hands to himself. I mean, ladies…yes YOU…why do you want a guy to ball out when you know you’re going to shut him down? Is it the fact that he’s even trying that you crave? I have my own answers so I can’t be the voice for all the XX’s.

So let me know what’s up.

Everything & Anything

Oct. 18th 2008 will mark the day that my post-secondary studies have come to an end and I am ELATED. When I receive the piece of paper that says I made it (regardless of what I learned and threw up or learn and swallowed whole) I will cry….hard. I can feel it already. I’ve been on this journey for 6 YEARS…SIX! My first post-secondary attempt was done only because my four year attempt (in high school) didn’t end with the right bang…I was “playin de ass” as my mom would say. This second journey only (can I really say only? hmm…fuck yea) took 5 YEARS. The last 2 were hard faught. There were moments when I truly thought I wasn’t going to make it. Everyday I went to school I hoped the bomb threats people made to get out of exams would be real and the school would be a blaze on my arrival. I hated my major with a passion and every prof that spoke through their mic becasue the lecture halls were ridiculoulsy huge gave me the right incentive to turn on my ipod, put away my notes and start writing from my heart. I used that time unwisely (not completely). I doodled, I wrote short poems, I wrote incoherent sentences across my page. Anything that jumped into my mind went down on paper, even if the prof was talking about how important his next point was to our ability to pass the final. Silently I said fuck you.

There were classes I took more than once. In the last 2 years I barely passed the rest. Family life was spiraling out of control, my relationship status wasn’t at it’s strongest and the things I thought I loved turned out to not love me back. With distaste in my mouth I pushed on. To settle my brain and keep my medulla from popping I gravitated towards the electives that always stimulated my mind: Humanities, Sociology, Women’s Studies, Social Science and Anthropology. Things that I had long debates about after class. Lectures that I was more than happy to attend. Tutorials that I raised my hand in any chance I got because I couldn’t wait to be heard. I yearned to know why the male or female across from me was thinking something I wasn’t. I engaged in coversations like that’s all I had. In THOSE classes I mattered, people could see me, and right or wrong my opinion could be heard. And I truly loved it. On the days I had those classes I walked to the bus stop, or my car afterwards (depends on how much doe I had to spend and if the gas station or the bus station was gunna get it) and a million thoughts raced through my head. I should have had my blog then. I wrote as I walked, and sometimes as I drove, and in those moments the earth really stood still. Those classes are the only ones that kept me sane. I relished in those moments and I honestly feel this is where I truly learned…about myself and the world outside of me.

So when I walk across that stage at 3PM on Oct. 18th 2008 (prolly more like 3:30 though because university ish is never on time) every step I take is for the good and bad times. For the rough and gleeful moments. On that day I’m not just PICKING UP MY DiPLOMA, I’m taking my sanity back, I’m taking my love back. I gave and gave for 5 YEARS in that institution and I must say I figured out a lot of things that I am 100% thankful for. But that chapter is going to close with watery eyes and a full smile. I will have made it.

Stay tuned for the after math of that day. Thanx to those who helped me hold my head: DQ, JW, SP…I love all yall like a fat kid loves cake.

Peace.

Everything & Anything

When the world pushes you into a corner, you don’t wonder about how bad it will hurt, you push back. I’ve been learning that. Through every failed test, and ball dropped. Through every dumbass comment someone has made towards me. I’m learning. Sometimes surrendering feels like the easiest way out, but as reality would prove giving in is a great way to short change yourself. I’ve had the great pleasure of meeting and keeping in touch with a couple of people who have motivated my strength to flourish. One in particular, who I will continue to leave unnamed and only sprinkle into my writing every now and then. There are others, whom I won’t name for now mainly because this is not the point. But what I’m trying to say it I’ve been afraid to fail for a long time and most times I just fantasized rather than trying. Now I’m feeling like the worst thing that can happen is that nothing happens at all.

Bottom line: I have to follow my fear to see how far I can go.

Some people bungee jump, others rock climb. I choose to write. To me that’s scary and dangerous enough. Physical challenges aren’t as daunting to me as emotional ones.

This piece I wrote years ago and never dared to show even my best friend what I wrote. Things change, and I’m happy about that.

When Pop dies I will cry
because I knew him that well
Wish he didn’t slip and fall
right into that crack hell
Promised to stay strong and keep us on the path
But he’s weak now
Couldn’t handle the pressure
I hate having to look back
Makes me sad to see what he once was
My father, my dad
I loved him just because
He made it fun, we had our laughs
Those times I’ll never forget
The many times I begged my mom, “please don’t pick us up just yet”
He wasn’t always the greatest
but for the most part, he had my back
To see what happened when he fell apart
tore my heart in two
I wished he said no, held his head
and not let the streets run through
My brother got the worst of it
baseball was their life
Now the bases are empty, he just got his last strike
And I’m left in the stands wondering where the hell he went
Fuck. He’s trapped in a pipe
Will he get out of it?
I cry as I write because it just wasn’t fair
You smoked that shit, got hooked and didn’t care
What did you think bringing them hoes into our place?!
It wasn’t cool, but you’re lifted now
I can see it in your face.

I’ve seen you out there in the street
Maybe a time or two
Would you even recognize me if I walked right up to you?
But I kept on going
Turned my had in fear
You don’t even know how close you were to seeing my tears
Now I block it out and let it sit in a place I rarely go
But just for tonight I eased the door to let my mind flow
Will I ever forgive you?
That, I don’t know
I’m still hurt by how easily you could say goodbye to our home.

Peace.

Poetry

Someone must have told you that it would be that easy
Hollering out some obscenities
something that would cheese me
I don’t know who told you that all women are objects
and this ain’t about the hood, the ghetto or projects
I’ve seen white collared men do the same thing
Even in a suit jacket, button down and blinged out wedding ring

Well let me tell you something…

Today wasn’t the first time I’ve been assaulted in a parking lot
Some young dudes tried to holler, “ayo shorty come here, I wanna see what you got!”
Oh really that’s it?
Crystal that’s not so bad
Don’t fucking patronize me
‘Cause when your daughter comes home
swings the door open and yells, “DAD!”
maybe then you should tell her
Hunny, it will get a lot worse
guys might try to grab you
twist your arms till it hurts
let her know too that she got off easy
’cause next time it might be her boyfriend
raising his hand yelling, “BITCH be easy!”
If she doesn’t get it then
let her know at least it wasn’t dark
what can’t be seen in the night time
can be taken advantage of near the park
have her bent up in a garbage can
with the rest of yesterday’s trash
remember it wasn’t that serious
You can’t be serious mannn

When’s the last time someone walked up to you like they already owned you
Fuck it, ’cause I refuse to know my place
Ladies you can get out of the zone too
So don’t call out some name that never belonged to me
Your smile is still lame
I can tell you are a phony
I’m putting this on front street
and you should be embarrassed
Karma is the realest shit
one day you may have a daughter you cherish.

That’s my word.
Peace.

Poetry

I sat in VIP like I paid for this shit. I sipped my champagne like I knew somebody to get there. I belted out Lil Wayne’s A Milli like being next to Lil X, Mo Pete and Jalen Rose was just another night out. Truth is, it was Caribana Sunday 2008 and Kardi’s party was way too rammed to sit with your bottle anywhere. The crowd was thick and the Toronto state of mind was getting ralled up. My people and I had to find a live, but low-key spot that had enough elbowroom and breathing space to sip carefully while still bumpin’ to Dangerous along with everyone else. VIP was the only logical solution. In five minutes we were in there, all seven of us. Some of the dudes marked our territory by sparking up while the ladies prepared to get low in the comfort of the crew. The vibe was nice and the view over the crowd was pretentious. We had arrived, and just in time. it seemed like we beat the rush because no more than a minute later the aforementioned celebs trekked in with a stacked entourage. Like any other female I quickly sized up groupies and turned back around. Tonight was too smooth to watch face. In any case the scenery was similar to watching a squirrel get a nut. Nothing I hadn’t seen before. In this setting the ladies didn’t have to speak. Their bright make-up, short-shorts, and tight outfits were their mating call. Macking was now in session.

Imagine, everyone around me is gettin’ silly while I’m jotting down my latest thoughts in my BlackBerry notes. Don’t get me wrong. I rocked out to Jiggaman with the best of them, but the vibe between the men and women was note-worthy and something I couldn’t help but illustrate.

Every now and then I copped a glance to see how close the tempresses were getting to the final destination. It all seemed like a game. Dude says something corny and girlfriend laughs like it’s the hottest joke. That dance continued all night and it was just too predictable. There were points when you would think either person wasn’t interested because they were both typing away on their phones. Yet, since she cleverly wedged herself between his thighs, elbows resting on his legs, and face forward the yield signs were firmly planted around him. Keeping within arms reach was a clear sign that that particular lady had made that celeb hers, even if only for one night. At the end of the night when she walked away switching her hips in fervor, her hand in his, not only had she scored, but she was silently waving, “hi haters.” As he melted like butter on fresh pancakes into her firm grip it became obvious that there was something about the female swag that can be penetrating to the male mind to a degree that no wifey at home could serve as a strong enough defense. Babygirl had her man-to-man strategy down to an art. I can’t say I didn’t feel the slightest bit admirable. Changing someone’s mind with an eyelash flutter was somewhat impressive.

I can’t say I wasn’t happy for her either. I mean she got what he wanted in the end, whatever the cost. Honeydip served up a full plate of desire and homeboy devoured it wholeheartedly. Mission accomplished. So don’t hate the player, hate the game. Until you lose of course.

That’s my word.
Peace.

Everything & Anything

Wrote this one a while back and kept it in the vault. I’m trying to put myself in it more rather than speaking about others so much. Thank you for the bottle opener.

I was looking for words of compassion and understanding
You said to turn to you when life gets rough
So I did
I explained the situation
The one that’s sealing my fate in
I cried after we hung up the phone
And the tears are building now
I don’t know where on the page my words should go
I don’t know where the lines are
but I keep on writing anyhow
I wanted you to tell me things would get better
and offer your hand to hold
in this turbulent weather
I know sometimes you’re feeling a little neglected
So maybe you didn’t show me love when that is what I expected
I mean life goes on right
and we all have to get through
but those times when I needed your fight
you just said goodnight
not even an “I love you”
I’m sadder now than when I first was
Trying to come with a game plan
What’s been said now I guess you can’t really change it
I am not blameless
and this is all aimless
Time for a life-altering rearrangement

That’s my word.
Peace.

Everything & Anything

I never explained any of the “categories” in here so here’s what The Deep End is all about.

I’ve always been cautious about revealing my inner most thoughts. I’m way too afraid to let other people c.me.clear because that meant I was open to rejection. For years I’ve kept my business, my business. The only time any of my thoughts really came out was through my writing. The past couple of years have been rough but I’ve managed to paint a good exterior. You can’t be crying all the time if you want to get things done so for the most part I held it in. And I continue to. I’m getting tired of it. When I think about what’s inside I get sad all over again as if it was happening all over again. I’m opening the door on life, love, friends and family. Most importantly I’m opening the door on me, the part of me that’s tucked away. The one my ego has convinced won’t make it in this world. Everything will be summed up in poetry or plain text. Whatever fits at the time. I call this section The Deep End. My biggest fear is what you will think. Happy or sad, jump in. Just make sure you know how to tread water.

Peace.

Everything & Anything

August 26th 2008 would mark the first time I read my poetry out loud. That moment was one of the most mind blowing moments ever. My heart was ready to thump right out of my chest and into the front row. I’m definitely going to do it again. Maybe I’ll see you there for one of those times and you can watch me do me. For now here’s a small look at what I performed.

I wonder what it will be like
The first time it comes close to my lips
Will I grab the challenge firmly
or start softly like a kiss
Will I shy away timidly
Afraid to really blow it
and if I freeze on the spot anticipating
I’m hoping my hidden talent will take over.

I want you to think about my words
and the images I just painted
Can you imagine what I expressed to you?
I hope I didn’t make the moment tainted
I encourage you all when you go home tonight
to think about how I just made history
‘Cause see, I can imagine what you THOUGHT I meant
But I was just talking about MY FIRST TIME
grabbing the mic
and reciting…my…poetry.

Everything & Anything

Remember how worried I was about my bday being a hit?! I was hella afraid that no one would come out and that I’d have nothing to do. Damn was I wrong! Dead wrong. It was so much more than a day. It was a weeks worth of great times. It actually just ended on Thursday. I had my last free meal that evening. If you can make a birthday extend before and after the day then you’re doing pretty well. I had a couple of firsts and a lot of amazing experiences. It was probably the most exciting week I’ve had in a while.

HUGE THANX TO ALL THOSE THAT CAME OUT!! You helped to make it what it was. I love my people.

Truly,

Your girl Crystal Clear.

Everything & Anything