Right after I changed my facebook status to something positive and uplifting for the day ahead I got a phone call that side swiped those feelings. While the end result of what happened could have been a lot worse the events that did take place were enough to make my heart stop. The mother of a person very very close to my heart was robbed last night at gun point. When I heard those words I couldn’t believe it. I assumed this person was joking.
Robbed, at GUNPOINT??
I can tell you right now that if that trigger had been pulled my life would be over. I don’t know how else to say it. It would be over. I wrote a short poem to kind of channel my feelings. It isn’t anything spectacular and maybe a bit rushed but I did it anyway.
–
If today had been her last day
I can’t even remember the last thing I had to say
and I know he couldn’t handle
the impact of the blast that never came.
All the days pass and I think they’re just the same
When today could have been her last
nothing lasts they say.
I wake up every morning assuming there will be more
until another life changes
drastically making my ceiling, floor.
Rubbing my sleepy eyes
I curse the open sun
Today could have been her last
and I’m thinking of another one.
If today had been her last
I think it would be his too.
Because his life without her
is not a life for Q.
Because today isn’t her last
I will tell her I love her the next time we meet.
Even if it means
saying it on the street.
I’m happy today wasn’t her last,
even though nothing lasts
they say.
Today could have been her last
but it’s not
not today.
A couple months ago when I was desparately seeking approval from other “bloggers” I got offended when one of them told me mine is very text heavy and it looks like a book. I took that as being a bad thing. While I don’t presume this person said that just to hurt me and instead he was being honest and critical, I couldn’t help but feel a bit of a sting. Although I didn’t show any face, inside I was injured that my honest entries were not appealling enough to read because they were too long.
Essentially everything I write is about me so I was a little hurt that my lengthy explanations were unappreciated. I write the only way I know how and I figure as long as I did that I could be happy. Whether people begin to follow or fall away was not, and still isn’t my main concern.
Today I know I was wrong for thinking that way. I was wrong for feeling insulted because there really wasn’t anything to be upset about. I didn’t start this thing so people could like me. I started this so I could become more comfortable with myself by opening up through my poems, song choices, videos and any other way I feel to express myself. My intentions were not to please anyone or become popular.
So I intend on holding onto that because no matter what I do not everyone is going to like it. Not too long ago someone reaLLy honest once told me,
“I would rather people hate me for the real me then love me for who I pretend to be.”
I’ve been repeating that in my head ever since I received it because if I can’t be myself it’s really not worth it to try and be anyone else. This “blog” is about my journey. It’s about my growth.
However I don’t want the opposite to happen. If anyone has anything to say that I might not agree with DO NOT hesitate to say it. This person’s words helped me in a way I didn’t see at first. So thank you for that. I’m not here for people to fill my head with everything “right” and “positive” because like Kanye West said,
“Everything I’m not makes me everything I am.”
With all of that being said I hope all of you have a flynamic long weekend. Summer is “unofficially” here!! Go have a drink somewhere and enjoy the beginning of the middle of the year.
When we open our hearts for the rest of the world to hear how loud it beats we’re giving others the chance to detect an irregular rhythm. In my attempt to share my life with all of you I have had the tendency to leave parts out and gloss over some sections out of worry that you would detect one in mine. A rhythm slightly off cue, not quite in sync with the rest of the world.
As heavy as my heart is the things that have made it this way cloud my ability to be completely honest. For this I am sorry. All I ask is that you bear with me.
Tomorrow marks my fourth week in this writing workshop and I feel better about it than I did last week. Last week was weird, as you already know, but this week was much better.
I actually have more pages to add to my existing ones so I’m happy about that. For some reason I became so worried about the relevance of my story. I’ve been constantly going back and forth with these things in my head;
I’m feeling like I’m losing sight of what my story is about, like I don’t know it anymore the more I write
so I started to question the validity of it
and of course debating on how much fact and fiction to include, how much of my life should I add and how much should I subtract
Those are the the three main things I’ve been throwing around for the past couple of weeks. But today instead of sitting at the dead end I just put my pen to paper and wrote whatever garbage came out, and believe me, it’s garbage lol. The bright side is some good stuff started to come to me. So apparently that technique works!
Just write until your shit starts to sound good.
So for now that’s that. I’ll let you know more when more happens.
So I joined another one of Trey Anthony’s writing groups because she has done such amazing work and has been pushing all who join to do such amazing work too. The proof is in the pudding. All the writers, because that’s what we are, WRITERS, have promised to try their very very best to write 5 pages of whatever they’re working on (novel, playwright, film, auotbiography, etc.) every week for five weeks. In theory it sounds like the kick in the ass you’re looking for, and in reality it really is lol.
After 3 weeks I’m up to 10 pages, which means I’m behind because I should have 15. We meet every Wednesday and some dope things happen every Wednesday besides being glad I signed up. I’m working on a novel. Yes yes yall, a novel. I’m not going to say what it’s about because to be honest, things change more than you expect so until I’m 100% with the direction I’m going in I’m keeping it to myself. But you and I both know whatever I put out I’ll be 100% happy with in the hopes that anyone reading it will be too.
So don’t wish me luck, because I have come to realize that this life has nothing to do with luck. Instead, urge me to word hard.
…shame on me right?! I know I know. I’m being an ass for it. I suppose. Or maybe just you suppose. I’d like to say since I’ve been gone I’ve discovered the cure for cancer, or found the answer to safely getting rid of toxic waste, but I haven’t. BUT that doesn’t mean I’ve been sitting around doing nothing. I’ve been riding some sort of transitional wave. I don’t even know how to explain it and what to say I feel…mostly I’ve been feeling disconnected from myself.
**Don’t cue the violins**
It’s weird. The energy I’ve been feeling is weird. When I wrap my head around it I’ll let you guys know what I’m talking about. Also, I haven’t been providing much writing for you guys. I mean, I’m writing right now, but you know I mean creative writing. The kind of shit that makes your skin tingle! Another shame on me.
Again it has a lot to do with this weird space I’m in. I haven’t been on facebook much, myspace has peeked my interest slightly, and this blog has been sidelined. None of that seems to make sense but I’m doing a lot more thinking than actual writing.
So what now? I’m not even sure. Bummer huh? Yea. I’ll be back. In the mean time drop me a comment and lemme know what’s good or bad with you!
I am in most of the places you're willing to look and some of the places you wouldn't expect me to be. If you aren't able to locate me anywhere hit me up here; crystal.coburn@gmail.com